Drugs Used To Cure Alcoholism "A Bunch of Nonsense."

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago — when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors’ offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, “There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines — reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way. An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you’re an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as ‘OK’ drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups — topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model — based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous — is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

“It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference.”

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. “Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism,” says Schwarzlose. “They’re smart people, but they’re missing how complex this disease is.”

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that’s Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

Val Kilmer Should Play "The Flash"!

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone.

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

Unemployed Ugly People “Tune-Up” For Recession Job Hunt

With the unemployment rate averaging 8% for the tri-state area, and the economy still not seeing it’s bottom yet - the job hunt is on. But, with so many urban professionals all vying for the same competitive jobs, people are beginning to rely on more than just their resume and experience. It’s no surprise that studies show that tall, good-looking people do better in life and in love, so the latest philosophy in the ugly community (and you know who you are) seems to be, “a nip – here, and a tuck – there, is going to give me an edge in this flooded market.”

Dr. Orville Hamish, who performs what he calls a “wide awake face-lift” using only local anesthesia, which slashes the recovery time as well as the cost by as much as $6,000, making it popular among heinous looking job seekers, stated, “Before the economy turned down, people would come in because they wanted to have more fun and enjoyment out of life. But now plastic surgery has become a necessity for some. Unfortunate looking people cannot only rely on their skills in this market. They want to look refreshed and youthful so they can compete for jobs.”

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) released a recent survey showing that, “American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. About 3 percent said they already had a cosmetic procedure to increase their perceived value in the workplace, and 73 percent said they believed that appearance and youthful looks play a part in getting hired, a promotion, or getting new clients, particularly in these challenging economic times.”

“The surgery made sense for me,” explains Marion Capricella, aspiring fashion designer, single mother of two, and looks as if she fell from the ugly tree, hitting every branch with her face, “I look at least 10 to 15 years younger, my tits are tighter, and I have more confidence.”

Manhattan plastic surgeon Saul Rubenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for hideous women AND men.

“Men and women in their 40’s and 50’s are competing with peers 10 to 15 years younger and employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified,” Rubenberg said, “We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago, and a lot of patients view the surgery as an investment and are financing it with loans.”

Ted Evening, Realtor, had a recent “tune-up” and explained, “My handsome friends would tell me, ‘Ted, get a good haircut, good clothes, and smile. Dazzle them with your wit. With your education and work history, employers will look past your fucked-up face. I mean,” he continued, “I’ve been saving for a long time for one of those penis enlargement procedures; but being what the real estate market is, I know I’ll soon have to interview,” Ted recently spent $17,000 on his face-lift, and still hasn’t found a job, but that hasn’t discouraged him.

”Men don’t quit playing because they grow old, know what I mean? They grow old cause they quit playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that,” Evening explains, ”You get what I’m talking about? I’m a goddamn handsome man now! An Adonis! Put me in the same room with some kid. I’ll knock it out of the park, you know what I mean? I mean, who cares if I have a small penis, I’m gonna be working, baby!”

In addition to the perceived competitive advantage from a face-lift, some surgeons believe the recession is starting to cause more and more patients to get “work done” for an emotional lift in these dark times.

“If you’re really ugly AND unemployed, that’s a double whammy,” opines Dr. Jesse Jamison, certified psychiatrist, “that’s difficult for anyone to even stand the sight of themselves, alone standing in front of a mirror. I think if it boosts self-esteem then it’s great. I’ve seen a little “work” save relationships, spice up sex lives, and hopefully for these really disfigured few, give them some financial security and sense of entitlement that only the beautiful ever really possess.”

Recession “Cocooners” Can’t Afford Fat Kids

(MP) - Adrian and Judy Parcheezie don’t go out of their home much anymore. Once a staple in their lifestyle, they’ve now given up their outings to boutique restaurants, independent foreign films, weekend driving excursions, and the idea of parenthood.

“Times are tough,” explains Judy, “we’ve buckled down, eat home a lot, don’t see much of our friends anymore. We’re really utilizing and building up our Netflix queue, not drinking so much bottled water, and having much more sex.” After a synchronized giggle, Adrian then added, “yea, and with a rubber too! Can’t afford to have a fat kid these days.”

The Parcheezies aren’t the only ones in America that have adjusted to the new economy. The Nielson Co., a data-tracking firm, has issued a report “identifying product categories whose sales are rising – and falling – at drug stores, supermarkets, and big-box outlets” The report revealed that “cocooners”, a term retail analysts use to describe consumers who nest to cut down on expenses, are cutting back on film/cameras (-31.5%), magazines (-17.1%), bottled water (-11%), and buckets/bins/bath items (-13%). Products that are rising are canned goods (+11.5%), veggies/dry grains (5.5%), wine/liquor (10.7%), and condoms (1.5%).

Fellow “cocooners” Abner and Mindy Greensteen have also reverted to staying at home, not using light bulbs, planting an organic garden, and debating the merits of parenthood. “We can’t bring another future despoiler into this world,” states Abner, a suspected one-time eco-terrorist, “and in our eco-therapy sessions, I’ve expressed my concerns over having a wasteful, gluttonous child.”

According to new research, nearly one-fifth of American 4-year-olds are obese, and children of color are at higher risk. Obese children are at risk for early onset of diabetes, fatty liver and musculoskeletal problems. Researchers calculated the body mass index from a sample of 8,550 Hispanic, black, white, Asian and Native American 4-year-olds. The children were born in 2001, and in 2005, their height and weight were measured — 18.4 percent of them were obese.

“It’s a very bad sign if we see obesity at a young age,” states Pediatrician Dr. Dave Meatwreath, “When we see children obese at age 4, we’re likely to see complications — high blood pressure, abnormal lipids — which can lead to heart disease and stroke, diabetes in children. The heavier you are as a child,” continues Meatwreath, “the likelier that extra weight will follow you through life. That’s why we see adolescents who need weight-loss surgery, because they have life-threatening complications from obesity.”

“You know how much the medical costs would be to take care of a fat kid for 18 years?” muses Adrian Parcheezie, “ I mean, losing weight is tough when you’re on a tight budget. We need to ride out this recession the best we can. Rubbers are key to making that happen. Cheap foods are packed with calories and low on nutrition. We still like our organic goods, wine, etc..” continues Adrian, “a fat kid would kill our bottom line.”

Apparently, with the sales of booze and condoms on the rise, there are many other Americans out there that are drinking and fornicating their depression-recession away, but are still fiscally aware of the repercussions of rotund off-spring.

Foiled Obama Assassination Uncovers Mystery of Bob Ross’ Death

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president. That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

“We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems.

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

Obama Urges Strong World Response to North Korea's Use of Tempur-Pedic Pillows.

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party. Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

Next Olympic Sport…Chess-Boxing?

"Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board." This is the slogan for the Berlin-based World Chess Boxing Organization. With official training clubs in Berlin, London and Sofia, Bulgaria; spokesman Andreas Dilschneider calls it “an intellectual fight club, and the biathlon of the 21st century."

The fastest sport on the rise (rivaling even the popular MMA), the WCBO has attracted the attention of ESPN coverage, and some of the fiercest boxers in the world, from legendary Lennox Lewis to newcomer Yuri Bagalov.

"If you don't know anything about chess-boxing it might seem a strange combination", says Dilschneider, "but if you think about it, in both sports there are many parallels." Just as you can be knocked out in boxing, "you can be in front in chess for 10 or 20 moves. You can build up a very strong position. You can be a very good player. But if for one moment you are not aware, and you make one bad move, the whole game is over."

In a chess-boxing exhibition, two fighters play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. The winner is determined by knockout, checkmate, or referee decision.

“Seems like logical path for me,” explains former Extreme Badminton Champion Yuri Bagalov, “I dominate Badminton. It become boring. I come to London to train at their club. I like idea of sitting down for whole rounds. I’m a little fat, yes? This sport is perfect for Yuri Bagalov!”

The chess-boxing combo traces its roots back to a 1992 comic book, titled “The Nikopol Trilogy”, in which the men of the future box on a chessboard floor.

“I don’t read comic books,” exclaims a visibly annoyed Bagalov, “maybe ask baby-man Sazhin.”

Bagalov is referring to the 2008 World Champion Chess-boxer, Russian math student Nikolaj Sazhin, Sazhin, 19, won the light heavyweight division after seizing his opponent's queen in the fifth round of chess.

"Bagalov is a fat blow-hard, and I will take his queen in two moves," Sazhin said, via a translator. "He cannot control his emotions. He is sloppy. You have to be totally cooled down in chess coming out of the boxing round. The adrenaline is the problem. "

Bagalov hopes to meet Sazhin in the ring in upcoming months. “I am ready,” states Bagalov, “I wait in London. I wait with my Natashas and Vodkas. He cannot dismiss Yuri Bagalov forever. When we meet, I will knock him out in first round, and when he is lying there, I will king his crown. That is correct, right? King his crown? In Russia, crown is circle like anus, you know? I will king it!”

Clinton to Mexico: “I’m still hung-over from my trip”

(MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

“I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh? You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S. The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The secretary of state's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar, “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried.” States Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip. Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

Twitter: Teaching Failures The Art of Failing

Klauss Gerhardt, the abstract artist and long-time failure, known simply as “Klauss,” loves when Twitter gets so bogged down with traffic that he can't post a message. It allows him the opportunity to, “see the beauty that is the fail whale.” Twitter's "fail whale," a giant whale being lifted out of an ocean by a small flock of tweeting birds, appears when the site is overrun, and is so popular it's on T-shirts and even tattoos. The icon -- which Twitter users call the "fail whale" because the creature appears only when the site has failed to load -- has gained a cult following as the social media site grows at breakneck pace.

Twitter, which lets users post 140-character micro-blogs, saw a 1,374 percent jump in unique visitors between February 2008 and February this year, up to 7 million from only 475,000, according to Nielsen NetView. With all of those new Twitterers, fail whale sightings and site crashes seem more frequent.

"I love that it is growing to the point that we will no longer be able to micro-blog,” explains Klauss, “we will only be able to sit, and watch this adorable whale; but also this thing that represents the Herculean tasks that we sometimes go about from day to day. I have the image tattooed on my hush-hush places, and, like Andy Warhol, I intend to re-interpret the image in all my future artistic endeavors.”

Klauss is not the only Twitterer to feel this way. Bill (mr_bill on Twitter), a 36-year-old San Franciscan, has organized parties in honor of the whale. The most recent, held in California in February, was attended by more than 300 people, including Yiying Lu, the artist in Australia who created the image. Bill, whose fail whale parties have featured an aquamarine martini in honor of the icon's color, said the whale's popularity comes from the idea that failures are worth celebrating and learning from.

"We're all trying to do a lot of things that seem pretty impossible," Bill said. "It's nice to identify something positive with those failures."

Paul Paulson, long time friend of Klauss, and serial failure, attempted a similar “fail whale” party on the East coast, but tragically it was a complete bust.

“OMG, I felt like Jimmy Fallon on his late show!!!, “explains Paulson, “awkward, anxious, unable to talk to anyone one-on-one.” It seems that the group updates that intended to crash the system were not working. “We were all doing the usual things,” reveals Paulson, “you know, trying to take that 'What are you doing?' question literally, and put very inane things in our updates every, like minute, but we just couldn’t get the glorious whale to show itself! I was tweeting friends that couldn't attend (manic, CP, CW, TW33), and was really trying to push my own boundaries with witty “speed” updates, because I’m in training for next years Shorty Awards (The year's best producers of short* content 140 characters or less, on Twitter). I couldn’t BELIEVE that I didn’t win anything this year, but the whale has taught me to keep at it.”

It seems that Twitter is adjusting to the new “fail whale” obsession. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone wrote in a statement to CNN, "We have made amazing progress from a technical perspective as far as accommodating this rapid growth goes and will continue to improve system and subsystem performance moving forward," So will Twitter’s advancements break up this new cult of complete failure junkies?

“Not at all,” opines Klauss, “We have failed. We must learn from failure. We must embrace our inner whale, and begin again.”

“Oh, we’ll see more and more of the “fail whale” in the future,” states Paulson, “ Celebrities are adding to the site's mainstream popularity, school’s in England are replacing studies about WWII and the Victorian Period with Twitter classes to expand communication! Imagine tweeting your teacher a 140-character book report on Moby Dick? I would love it!! People talk. That's what we do," continues Paul, "We're social creatures. We're kind of wired for this. We’ll overwhelm the system again. It’s only a matter of time before the “fail whale” will be a constant. If at first you don’t succeed…you know?"

The fail whale's account on Twitter has more than 2,265 followers. A Facebook group dedicated to the whale has more than 4,400 members. The whale has spawned art and merchandise, from coffee mugs to baby clothes.

China Assures World That “Ghostnet” Only Targets the Dalai Lama…and Scott Baio?

(MP) - Computer terminals around the world are on red alert in the wake of the discovery of China’s new “Ghostnet” malware. The network can not only search a computer, but see and hear the people using it. However, Analysts in China are dismissing claims that nearly 1,300 computers in more than 100 countries have been attacked. "This is purely another political issue that the West is trying to exaggerate,", a Beijing-based strategy and military analyst, told China Daily, a state-run newspaper, “ what we do in our own borders is of our concern. Although the Dalai Lama must be discredited, the West can be assured that there is no espionage into their government, there is little to learn from them. However, Scott Baio…from him there is much to learn.

According to a Cambridge report, titled, "The Snooping Dragon: Social-Malware Surveillance of the Tibetan Movement," the discovery of GhostNet grew out of suspicions that the office of the Dalai Lama had been hacked. "GhostNet is capable of taking full control of infected computers, including searching and downloading specific files, and covertly operating attached devices, including microphones and web cameras," explain the report's authors, Shishir Nagaraja and Ross Anderson. “The Dalai Lama’s staff sent a foreign diplomat an e-mail invitation to meet the Tibetan spiritual leader, but before the Dalai Lama's people could follow up with a phone call, the diplomat's office was contacted by the Chinese government and warned not to go ahead with the meeting,"

The Cambridge report goes on to explain that, “Hackers gained access to computers in the Dalai Lama's office by tricking computer users into downloading attachments in e-mail which had been carefully engineered to appear safe. The attackers took the trouble to write e-mails that appeared to come from fellow Tibetans and indeed from co-workers. This was how they were so easily able to get to Mr. Baio,” the Chinese government has since confirmed, “he had responded to an e-mail from former girlfriend, Erin Moran, in regard to a “Joanie Loves Chachi” re-make."

Song Xiaojun shows no discomfort when explaining China’s fascination, and constant surveillance, for the washed-up celebrity. “Need I tell you the list? Pamela Anderson, Beverly D'Angelo,Nicole Eggert, Erika Eleniak, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Svetlana Von Fleeden Fleiden Shlooden Shloden-Leibowitz, and of course, Liza Minnelli. China loves beautiful and trashy women," Xiaojun continues, "but we are not a handsome race. Charles is not in Charge when it comes to his looks either. We have listened into his web streams, read his e-mails, followed his click through analytics. How he moves from Aveda.com, to Manicattack.com, and arrives at his own IMDB page gives us great insight into what makes him desirable. We have learned very much.”

When pressed to comment, Baio responded, "Of course I feel violated. But…my IMDB ranking has gone up 232% this past week.” And, as a direct address to the Chinese that are following him, Baio says, “No, I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but if you have an attitude like you don't care and you have something to back that up, like money or fame, it's a beautiful thing. It’s that simple.”

So, keep listening China, and the rest of the world may just start to tap into your system of information.

"Sexy" Spiderman Causes A Stir

(MP) - Everyone’s friendly neighborhood hero has been under the gun this week, in not one, but two reports out of Millard, Nebraska. The first called for a Spiderman comic book to be banned from the Norris Elementary School for it’s sexually explicit content. The comic is part of a popular new series about the loveable web-head, and Donna Helvering, head librarian of the Millard School District, said it's been in high demand.

“Each book that lands on Millard library shelves goes through a thorough selection process,” explains Helvering, “We look at books, as far as age-appropriateness, we look at books for readability and we make sure that we're buying books that are appropriate for all our kids,"

However, not everyone agrees. Physha Svendsen, a mother actively involved with her four children's educations, believes comic books like the one in question hold little literary value, and that the one her 6-year-old son brought home is not age-appropriate for students and wants it removed from the library.

"It has a lot of sexual undertones in here, as far as sexuality goes," she said. "They can learn this through any other place, but it's not something I allow them to learn, in my house at least."

Ironically, this has lead to the recent deluge of reports coming in to the Manic Press offices in regard to the recent arrest of husband to Physha - Bjorn Svendsen. Apparently, the school district is required to form a committee, evaluate Physha’s complaint within 30 days, and reach a consensus about whether to keep the book on the shelves of that library. In the interim, Svendsen said she plans to hold on to the book that her son brought home while the review process takes place. That book seemed to have an unexpected effect on the couple, as reports came in from all over Millard, in regard to loud moaning and crashing noises coming from the Svendsen’s home.

I came back from getting’ some jerky, and I done got see Spiderman runnin’ with his dingus danglin’ in the wind!” explains an eye-witness who wished to remain nameless, “I mean, I’ve seen some sick shit on that there, internet, thing-a-ma-jiggy! Like this one video, where this super hero is wearin’ fuckin’ women’s underwear! Super Man Thong I think it’s called? Not for me. Must be some fuckin’ faggots that made that shit. Anyways, Spiderman comes runnin’ naked as the day he was born out that there house, and a woman wearin’ a red wig came runnin’ after him with her titties flappin’ all out there. They were nice titties, but her cooter was more like my sheep dog Rufus than that little clean dog on them Taco Bell commercials. All of a sudden, they just stopped, dropped, and fucked! I couldn’t believe it!”

The police officer who responded to the call, was too late to catch them in the act. It was reported that Physha quickly ran away. But authorities did manage to corner Bjorn, and were able to arrest him after a twenty-minute stand-off. “We were careful with him,” tells Officer Farhar, “we thought he was on something. When we finally were able to question him, turns out he just got all sex-crazed from some comic book that he and his wife were reading in bed. The worst kinds of calls for us are ALWAYS domestic ones.”

Manic News tried to reach Marvel, Inc for a response concerning their most popular hero, but a spokes-person for Avi Arad, CEO of Marvel Studios, said that they have no comment on just how “sexy” Spiderman truly is.

In the mean time, the Millard School District still has not decided the fate of the book in question.

Brandon Mavis Spotted at “Snip City” Before March Madness

(MP) - "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." This is the Oregon Urology Institute’s radio spot that has been picked up all over the country. The March Madness vasectomy special is the brain child of Dr. Neil Baum: urologist, author (he's written five books), and amateur magician!

Dr. Baum offered up to 20 outpatient procedures to men in the days leading up to the big basketball tournament. The offer included a bag of frozen peas, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and a free pizza delivered to your house. “The motivation,” explains Braum, “ is that men can engage in the luxury of being able to have uninterrupted time to watch a national sporting event without having to take out the garbage or take the kids to music lessons. They'll have time to recuperate.” The special got so much publicity that hard-partying, trust-fund celebutard Brandon Mavis was spotted entering the institute.

Mavis, dressed out of season in his favorite Meat Shorts from the Weird Clothing Company (which he has been quoted to say are “f-ing carni-vicious man!”), has been in the news due to his latest sex-scandal. Mavis was arrested for publicly fornicating with a woman with a ScreamBody bag strapped to her face. The hot new alternative to video taping themselves, they would later squeeze it back in the privacy of his own hotel room, releasing the vocal elations, and masturbating on opposite sides of the room. “This is the fad for this irreverent generation. It’s healthy though,” explains Dr. Jesse Jamison, Mavis’ personal therapist, “there’s nothing wrong with sexual exploration. Brandon just needs to be careful.”

“I’ve been up in there, dropping knowledge and nut in chicks all over the world, “tells Mavis, “my dad told me that either I get married, with a pre-nup of course, or I make sure there’s no unforeseen seeds of mine, incubating in any oven somewhere. So, this deal sounded good. I can bag as many chicks as I want without any repercussions. Oh, and the peas thing sounded like a bonus.”

What Mavis is referring to are the benefits that are part of Dr. Baum’s special offer. “The magazine was something to keep them occupied and to enjoy during the recuperative period,” explains Braum, “and the peas are to prevent swelling after the procedure. The frozen bag of peas are placed on the genitals where it nicely conforms to the area where they had the procedure. Anything will work. It could be ice cubes in a Ziploc bag, but that can be cumbersome. Peas are anatomically adaptable.”

So what did Dr. Braum think of Mavis’ erratic decision to have the procedure performed? “It's the most effective method of contraception and the least expensive over the long run. Many men want to have the procedure done, but are scared. I wanted to try to entice men to have a vasectomy, make it convenient for them and motivate them to proceed. I think Brandon is becoming aware of his indiscretions, and growing into a responsible adult.” And what does Mavis think about this transformation into adulthood? “Yea, I guess, but I just love my hoops, man. Don't want to be bothered. Go Huskies!”

Most Priceless Omission from Jackson Auction Block: Webster

(MP) - Possibly the biggest tour of Michael Jackson’s life is going on currently, and even that is causing controversy. The tour is not a big budget, grand, highly technical, incredible show that will culminate for ten nights at the sold-out O2 Arena in London. The real tour is the worldwide publicity exhibition of treasures from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch; treasures Jackson is claiming were never approved to put on-sale.

Jackson filed a lawsuit in early March, claiming that he had never given permission for the sale of many "priceless and irreplaceable" items. Some of the items in question are his famous jewel-encrusted gloves, a black fedora, a couple of MTV Video Music Awards, and Emanuel Lewis. The auction house, Julien's Auctions, fired back in court papers, saying that “Jackson's representatives had been deeply and enthusiastically involved in the sale for many months, until a sudden reversal last month.” Jackson’s spokes-person responded, “there is absolutely no way that Michael would have signed off on Emanuel. He loves Emanuel. Perhaps they misunderstood and meant to take the house that Michael had built for him on Neverland Ranch.” The house in question is a miniature ten-bedroom mini-mansion that the diminutive Lewis occupied.

"To say [Jackson] hadn't intended for these items to be auctioned was disappointing," Julien told the Daily News. "I can't disclose where we're at [legally], but I know everything's definitely well documented from our end. In a sworn statement, Julien claims that one of Jackson's employees met with him at a local McDonald’s, and tried to strong-arm him into canceling the auction, warning him that he would be in danger "from [Louis] Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam" if he didn't comply. “They told us that Farrakhan would free Webster in one way or another.”

In court documents filed in response to Jackson's fraud lawsuit, Julien reiterates that the “singer's estate asked him to take the Neverland treasure trove off its hands and that all the items were toted away under the close supervision of Jacko's employees—who were also involved in writing press releases and approving the auction-catalog cover art. They even gave us the photo that showed Emanuel’s best side,” continued Julien, “a photograph they thought that he looked the cutest in – before he got fat and bloated.”

As the court battle continues, the tour of the exhibit reached New York City, and is on display at the Hard Rock Café. When unloaded, it was found that Emanuel Lewis had mysteriously disappeared from the contents of the valuables. “I don’t know what happened to him,” explains Vincent Carbonarra of Mobile Manic Safes, “little guy just vanished. Got me!” The auction was estimated to make up to $20 million dollars; however, without Emanuel Lewis, the block's value has diminished considerably.

No Recession in Xanadu, Only Magic

(MP) - There is an old saying that when your friend loses his job - we are in a recession; but when you lose your job, we’re in a depression. “I never had a job to begin with, so who gives a shit, right?” exclaims Jeanine Menthol, who is currently the focus of the next season of Bride-asaurus on ManicTV. “You only live once, ya know? You can’t take it with yous?” Menthol, the newly engaged mother of two, was asked how the economic downturn will effect her, “I swears, this is gonna be, like, the best summer ever! We’ll just go to the Xanadu!”

No, not the Xanadu that is filled with muses, music, and magic. Not the Xanadu with electric light, smoke, and roller skates. Somewhere in the swamps of Jersey, a red, yellow, green, and aqua pleasure-dome is rising out of the weeds. This summer, Xanadu, the largest (4,500,000 square feet) and most expensive ($2 billion), mall ever built in the U.S, and third largest in the world, will open it’s doors for business. Once plagued by financial malfeasance by the Mills Corporation (the SEC formally investigated the Mills Corporation for executive misconduct and accounting errors), the troubled developer sold their stake in Xanadu to private investment firm Colony Capital to finish the job. The monstrosity will house: 165,000 sq. ft. indoor skiing and snowboarding facility, an 18-screen movie theater; fashion retailers such as H&M, Guess and Zara; and Cabela's, an upmarket fishing, hunting, outdoor apparel and equipment outlet. Adrenalia, an extreme-sports store, is slated to have an indoor wave pool, and the mall includes a skydiving simulator. Xanadu will also offer rides on a 286-ft. Ferris wheel that is sponsored by Pepsi. Is this excess just obnoxious amidst this economic downturn?

Larry Siegel, president of Xanadu doesn’t think so, “It’s not like people aren’t looking to recreate. They are.” However, with consumer spending dramatically reduced, and the American mall on life support, the International Council of Shopping Centers predicts that “73,000 stores will close their doors in the first half of 2009.” Retail expert Burt Flickinger III, managing director of Strategic Resources Group, projects that as many as “3,000 shopping centers nationwide could go under this year.” So just who will visit this un-aesthetic (it's surrounded by weedy wetlands, decrepit factories, shipping containers and railroads) fun-palace in East Rutherford, NJ?

“People that may not be able to rent that house at the shore or pay a few hundred bucks for a three-day pass to Disney,” explains Siegel, “but they can come here and spend $100. We’re counting on people like that, people like Ms. Menthol.”

"I think it's great! I don't think that we have enough malls," says Ms. Menthol, "Yous knows, shopping is good. My two little girls can both ski and swim in the same day, and me and Abraham can shop and ride the Ferris Wheel. Plus, it's like a billion acres, so I can find a place to smoke, like, anywheres."

Dave O'Chessee's Verdict on Josef Fritzl dungeon incest case.

So, there I was, in Sankt Poelten, Austria, covering one of the biggest news events of the century. Press from all over the world were on hand to cover Austria’s most heinous case: Josef Fritzl - accused of imprisoning his daughter from age 18 in a tiny, windowless, unheated, rat-infested basement that reeked of mold and lacked warm water, repeatingly raping her in front of their children, three of whom had never seen the light of day. His murder charge arose from the death, shortly after birth, of one of the seven children he fathered with his daughter. The Manic Press Corps had sent me over from the States. I would no longer cover Fresh Off The Field stories of adultery and assassinations. It was to be my lead into real journalism; haunting, gritty stories, the kind that get you recognition for with your peers, the kind that get you your drinks on the house. It had been a long, exciting week in Sankt Poelten, when something occurred to me…I had completely missed it.

I had awoken in my hotel room: tired, dehydrated, raw. I got a call from a cute little Spanish reporter with whom I had been tripping the week fantastic. Her name was Agata, meaning Agatha, meaning “good.” She rode me like the Orient Express. I wasn’t surprised about her absence this particular morning. It was her MO. She told me she was leaving. The trial was over. Evil had lost. So was I. I tried to piece together the preceding days.

I recalled that after opening statements by the prosecution and defense, reporters were ushered out of the courtroom for the duration of the trial. We were herded into a large marquee reminiscent of a beer tent, flanked by sausage stands and a mobile sweetshop. It had been erected outside the courtroom to accommodate the hundreds of journalists who've arrived here to follow the trial. We were inundated with folders handed out in the press tent helpfully listing gourmet restaurants and fashionable new nightclubs in town and included brochures from the local tourism board. Mayor Matthias Stadler sought to promote his town as a tourism and cultural center, enthusing, "Sankt Poelten has never been in the spotlight like this before, and I hope to use this opportunity to make good contacts with the media for the future.”

At first I was appalled by his desperate declaration. Mayor Stadler was trying to make the most of their sleepy, baroque town's misfortune of being the venue for perhaps the most grotesque trial in Austria's history. Then it hit me, she hit me. I saw her in the tent area with a beer in one hand, and a huge sausage in her mouth. I was done. Agata and I hit it off immediately, and all of a sudden the pamphlets and nightclubs began to look enticing.

We would make a point to check back in with the Press tent. We would get updates, and sound bite testimonies from second hand sources like, “I am deeply sorry with all my heart for what I have done, but I cannot go back and change it,” and, “I had a very difficult childhood. My mother didn't want me. I was beaten.” Things of that nature. I noted that he was a textbook socio-path. Right out of an awful John Douglas profile book, equipped with an evil lair, and a bad childhood. The updates to my main office in the States were general and placating. I would write the whole thing at the end. It would be great. They trusted me.

I arrived to the Press tent and almost everyone was gone. The jury had found Josef Fritzl guilty of raping and imprisoning his daughter for more than two decades and sentenced him to life in prison. They found Fritzl guilty of incest, rape, enslavement and false imprisonment of his daughter Elisabeth. It also found him guilty of two assault charges and murder in the death of the baby, one of twins, which died 66 hours after birth. I was told that the eight-member jury returned a unanimous verdict on all counts. I heard that Fritzl, dressed in a gray suit, blue shirt and dark tie, stared blankly ahead and showed no emotion as the jury delivered its verdict. I was informed that my article was due in an hour.

I sat down, and milked one last beer to assuage my guilt. I had to regroup and give this horrible story the attention it deserves. Mayor Stadler spotted me in my solitude (Christ I was the only one in there, he couldn’t have missed me). He sat next to me and asked if I had visited the Austrian Museum of Tin Figures. “It’s a great miscellaneous collectibles museum,” he told me. I said maybe next time. Mayor Stadler's efforts to use the occasion to promote tourism in Sankt Poelten may be emblematic of Austria's inclination to evade the uncomfortable questions raised by the Fritzl case. The number one being: How could this have gone on for so long without any indication? I thanked him and left.

I sat in my hotel looking over my press packet. My notes were barely legible. Agata’s number in Spain was written in red lipstick on Fritzl’s biography and wrap sheet. A wrap sheet that told anyone that looked at it that they should have seen this coming. My press pack was all I had. I had to get this done. I had to give this story justice. I had to report the news. I had to lend it heart. The heart that I didn’t give it all week. The heart that I gave to Agata along with all of my cash and a possible case of herpes. My press packet will remember for me and hopefully allow me to at least keep my Fresh off the Field job. And then, as Mayor Stadler hopes, the press pack will remember Sankt Poelten for its pear brandy and its wine, and its new nightclubs and gourmet restaurants.

Roger De La Soul Left Off Times “World's Most Influential People Finalists for 2009”…Again.

(MP) -Time.com is calling all hands to cast their votes for the leaders, artists, entrepreneurs and thinkers who deserve a spot on this year's TIME 100. Conspicuously absent for the fifth straight year is Roger De La Soul of De La Soul Enterprises.

De La Soul is the world’s leading entrepreneur in restaurants, television, social networks, real estate, and commodities. “I just don’t understand how I am not in the running,” explains De La Soul, “I find it atrocious when such a respected and honored news organization submits people like Thomas Beatie – the man-mom, Joaquin Phoenix, and the Twitter guys! I’m bringing people together, not isolating them, aggravating them, or confusing them. My services help people throughout the nation to cope with their everyday stress in their lives.”

What De La Soul is referring to are his numerous start-ups: pickonaforeigner.com, smokeymeatstomach.loaf, Water Bar, Fat Fux, Poop in a Pail, and ManicTV.

“With my foreigner social networking site,” claims De La Soul, “I try to educate and spread understanding in our multi-cultural world. My Fat-Fux chain of restaurants have saved more marriages than Oprah’s Dr. Phil ever could, and the sheer confidence that one garners from using my Poop in a Pail product is the ultimate tool to boost self-esteem.” Always one to love the limelight, De La Soul has even tried his hand in acting, appearing as himself in his commercial for his ground breaking Water Bar restaurant in Manhattan. “I figure, why not? If Brangolina can go from acting to humanitarian causes, then why can’t the biggest humanitarian on the planet, move into acting?”

Many of De La Soul’s practices have drawn considerable scrutiny over the years, but De La Soul believes that all great men end up under the microscope. “When I was contacted directly by the Dalai Lama, and he was thanking me that my Poop in the Pail product was helping with his non-violent cause for Tibet, I knew I was doing good work. It isn’t easy being the King of all Media, but apparently it’s a lot more difficult to get on Time’s fucking 100 most influential list…unless of course you change genders, sexually assault someone, or bilk billions from people.”

Felicia Day does not bring ROI, brings pain and heart break

(MP) – “Do you love watching nerds kiss? Can’t get enough of long goodbyes?” These questions are the basis of a new social networking site called Nerdykisses.longgoodbyes (http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7). Started by Eugene and Claudia Pembertin in 2008, their quest began as a labor of love via angel seed money through their WoW (World of Warcraft) community. “Our avatars, Trevenian and Persephone, reached out to the Alliance throughout Azeroth, and the Alliance responded,” Pembertin explains, “all of our fellow night-elves contributed, much like a dowry to our union.” Pembertin refers to the couple’s actual meeting after falling in love online as their WoW avatars. “We were so excited that we used to film our love for our friends to see all the time,” explains Claudia, “so much so people were actually hooked! Like Ever-crack!”

It does not take a whole lot to divert the attention of today’s Millennials (hell, even the majority of Gen Xers for that matter), but for every new start-up and new social networking sight, the bottom line will always be to monetize the content. In the business community, ROI (return on investment) is how much profit or cost saving is realized, and is sometimes used as a way to grade how well a company is managed. So when the Humans, Gnomes, and Dwarves of the Alliance came calling, the Pembertins had nothing to show them. “They banished us!” explains Eugene, ”these lesser races had the nerve to cast us out! I was desperate!” This desperation drove Eugene to go on a quest. That quest would lead him to the SXSW festival, that quest would lead him to his true desire, THAT quest would lead him to…Felicia Day.

Felicia Day: actress, producer, writer, editor, serial tweeter, accomplished violinist! How could this siren’s song not hypnotize a helpless Eugene Pembertin? “I didn’t even realize he was gone, “notes Claudia, “one morning I awoke, turned to check if he had to use the bathroom, but he wasn’t there. I called everywhere. I looked everywhere for some information as to his whereabouts…and that’s when I found it.” This buried treasure that Claudia uncovered was a vast collection of photo-shopped pictures of Felicia Day and Eugene in strange WoW costumes, sexually explicit poses (with their heads on porn stars bodies), and crumbled tissues and stiff socks. “I knew then where he was. I can’t for the life of me figure out how he hid this, how he’s become obsessed…how he got his socks so stiff.”

Those answers were found on Eugene’s arrival home, defeated, later that week. Eugene had gone to SXSW, followed Felicia Day from the shadows like a night-elf, and tried to approach her. He was blocked by an irate “Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog” fanatic, who was trying to get Felicia to give him Doogie Howser’s (Neil Patrick Harris) number. “And then…she was gone.” Explains Eugene, “I thought, at first, that if she would come on nerdykisses, and kiss me, and hug me, and ride on my back like a pony, that “The Alliance” would welcome Claudia and I back; but, I realized that my obsession ran a little deeper.”

Today, Eugene and Claudia are still together, trying to keep their website above water through our current recession. “I don’t know what our future will be,” explains Claudia, “we’re probably going to have to bring in others to kiss and hug on our site, and become more of a distributor of kissing content. We might have taken our show as far as it could go.” And what of Eugene’s indiscretion turned obsession? “Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, I try to gain her trust back every day...day…Felicia Day…sorry. As I was saying, it’s gonna be hard, but I need to rejoin “The Alliance” with my maiden at my side! This is certain. If I can survive “corrupted blood” at Ironforge, then I can do anything. This is my ‘instance dungeon’, and I’m gonna mine it for all the treasures I can.”http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7