Sharpton out duels Jesse by calling for Jackson knighthood, sainthood…country renamed U.S.J.

LOS ANGELES-- Reverend Al Sharpton has secured the top spot, knocking Reverend Jesse Jackson out of the running for the “who’s the blackest activist in the world by embracing causes in order to promote themselves” competition. Held usually about once a year, in the midst of some singular cause that may or may not be construed as a situation of racism, these two juggernauts crept out of hiding from whatever they do on a daily basis, and came out swinging. This year’s competition - who will preside over the funeral of Michael Jackson.

The contest kicked off with the King of Pop's sudden death last Thursday as The Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both known to wind up smack-dab in the middle of every media crisis, but never really work together towards a unified voice, converged on Michael Jackson's family acting as semi-official spokesmen and advisers.

“It’s been exciting,” explains Cornelius Fable, head of the National Alliance for the Advancement of Crooked Politicians, a committee that tracks public figures as they inject themselves into the media to keep relevant, “they didn’t have a lot of time to make this happen, so they’ve been working fast. I thought Sharpton took it with the postage stamp, but once he suggested to rename the country after Michael, I knew he had won by a landslide.”

The feats of prominence began with Jesse Jackson’s announcement that the Jackson family wanted a second autopsy for Michael, citing Michael's death as "abnormal.”

“He came out swinging,” continues Fable, “Dropping the conspiracy theory that early was bold, but he has a lot to lose so I understand his strategy. He’s delivered rites for prominent black figures ranging from Miles Davis to the slain family of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson. But Sharpton got the 2006 James Brown memorial. That was big. They both got the Coretta Scott King funeral by default, cause you can’t really compete with Reverend King.”

Sharpton then held his press conference alongside Michael's father, Joe Jackson detailing his plan to lead a full-day memorial at Harlem's Apollo Theater on Tuesday. But with Joe believed to have been written out of the will, and Michael's mother, Katherine — who was closer to the star and is regarded as the heart of the family — leaving the scene just as Sharpton was arriving, many believe that Sharpton chose the wrong alliance.

“That’s when he started dropping H-bombs,” opines Fable, “Sharpton’s 'Little Boy' revealed that Jackson won Obama the White House, there should be a stamp, a national day of mourning, he should be knighted, and considered for sainthood - and then 'Fat Man hit.' The United States of Jackson? Stroke of brilliance. There was enough inundation of ass kissing there that he just pulled away. It just ceased to be a contest.”

Sharpton is now believed to have emerged as the family’s “black activist who doesn’t really work, but somehow is rich, and turns every situation into one of racism” choice to help define Jackson's legacy, which would be of great import to black Americans in particular. With James Brown, and now Michael Jackson under his belt, Sharpton just may be in the over-all lead. Surprisingly, no comments from either camps have been made at this time.

Drugs Used To Cure Alcoholism "A Bunch of Nonsense."

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago — when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors’ offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, “There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines — reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way. An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you’re an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as ‘OK’ drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups — topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model — based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous — is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

“It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference.”

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. “Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism,” says Schwarzlose. “They’re smart people, but they’re missing how complex this disease is.”

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that’s Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

Val Kilmer Should Play "The Flash"!

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone.

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

Foiled Obama Assassination Uncovers Mystery of Bob Ross’ Death

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president. That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

“We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems.

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

Obama Urges Strong World Response to North Korea's Use of Tempur-Pedic Pillows.

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party. Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

Clinton to Mexico: “I’m still hung-over from my trip”

(MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

“I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh? You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S. The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The secretary of state's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar, “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried.” States Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip. Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

Brandon Mavis Spotted at “Snip City” Before March Madness

(MP) - "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." This is the Oregon Urology Institute’s radio spot that has been picked up all over the country. The March Madness vasectomy special is the brain child of Dr. Neil Baum: urologist, author (he's written five books), and amateur magician!

Dr. Baum offered up to 20 outpatient procedures to men in the days leading up to the big basketball tournament. The offer included a bag of frozen peas, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and a free pizza delivered to your house. “The motivation,” explains Braum, “ is that men can engage in the luxury of being able to have uninterrupted time to watch a national sporting event without having to take out the garbage or take the kids to music lessons. They'll have time to recuperate.” The special got so much publicity that hard-partying, trust-fund celebutard Brandon Mavis was spotted entering the institute.

Mavis, dressed out of season in his favorite Meat Shorts from the Weird Clothing Company (which he has been quoted to say are “f-ing carni-vicious man!”), has been in the news due to his latest sex-scandal. Mavis was arrested for publicly fornicating with a woman with a ScreamBody bag strapped to her face. The hot new alternative to video taping themselves, they would later squeeze it back in the privacy of his own hotel room, releasing the vocal elations, and masturbating on opposite sides of the room. “This is the fad for this irreverent generation. It’s healthy though,” explains Dr. Jesse Jamison, Mavis’ personal therapist, “there’s nothing wrong with sexual exploration. Brandon just needs to be careful.”

“I’ve been up in there, dropping knowledge and nut in chicks all over the world, “tells Mavis, “my dad told me that either I get married, with a pre-nup of course, or I make sure there’s no unforeseen seeds of mine, incubating in any oven somewhere. So, this deal sounded good. I can bag as many chicks as I want without any repercussions. Oh, and the peas thing sounded like a bonus.”

What Mavis is referring to are the benefits that are part of Dr. Baum’s special offer. “The magazine was something to keep them occupied and to enjoy during the recuperative period,” explains Braum, “and the peas are to prevent swelling after the procedure. The frozen bag of peas are placed on the genitals where it nicely conforms to the area where they had the procedure. Anything will work. It could be ice cubes in a Ziploc bag, but that can be cumbersome. Peas are anatomically adaptable.”

So what did Dr. Braum think of Mavis’ erratic decision to have the procedure performed? “It's the most effective method of contraception and the least expensive over the long run. Many men want to have the procedure done, but are scared. I wanted to try to entice men to have a vasectomy, make it convenient for them and motivate them to proceed. I think Brandon is becoming aware of his indiscretions, and growing into a responsible adult.” And what does Mavis think about this transformation into adulthood? “Yea, I guess, but I just love my hoops, man. Don't want to be bothered. Go Huskies!”

Most Priceless Omission from Jackson Auction Block: Webster

(MP) - Possibly the biggest tour of Michael Jackson’s life is going on currently, and even that is causing controversy. The tour is not a big budget, grand, highly technical, incredible show that will culminate for ten nights at the sold-out O2 Arena in London. The real tour is the worldwide publicity exhibition of treasures from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch; treasures Jackson is claiming were never approved to put on-sale.

Jackson filed a lawsuit in early March, claiming that he had never given permission for the sale of many "priceless and irreplaceable" items. Some of the items in question are his famous jewel-encrusted gloves, a black fedora, a couple of MTV Video Music Awards, and Emanuel Lewis. The auction house, Julien's Auctions, fired back in court papers, saying that “Jackson's representatives had been deeply and enthusiastically involved in the sale for many months, until a sudden reversal last month.” Jackson’s spokes-person responded, “there is absolutely no way that Michael would have signed off on Emanuel. He loves Emanuel. Perhaps they misunderstood and meant to take the house that Michael had built for him on Neverland Ranch.” The house in question is a miniature ten-bedroom mini-mansion that the diminutive Lewis occupied.

"To say [Jackson] hadn't intended for these items to be auctioned was disappointing," Julien told the Daily News. "I can't disclose where we're at [legally], but I know everything's definitely well documented from our end. In a sworn statement, Julien claims that one of Jackson's employees met with him at a local McDonald’s, and tried to strong-arm him into canceling the auction, warning him that he would be in danger "from [Louis] Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam" if he didn't comply. “They told us that Farrakhan would free Webster in one way or another.”

In court documents filed in response to Jackson's fraud lawsuit, Julien reiterates that the “singer's estate asked him to take the Neverland treasure trove off its hands and that all the items were toted away under the close supervision of Jacko's employees—who were also involved in writing press releases and approving the auction-catalog cover art. They even gave us the photo that showed Emanuel’s best side,” continued Julien, “a photograph they thought that he looked the cutest in – before he got fat and bloated.”

As the court battle continues, the tour of the exhibit reached New York City, and is on display at the Hard Rock Café. When unloaded, it was found that Emanuel Lewis had mysteriously disappeared from the contents of the valuables. “I don’t know what happened to him,” explains Vincent Carbonarra of Mobile Manic Safes, “little guy just vanished. Got me!” The auction was estimated to make up to $20 million dollars; however, without Emanuel Lewis, the block's value has diminished considerably.

Dave O'Chessee's Verdict on Josef Fritzl dungeon incest case.

So, there I was, in Sankt Poelten, Austria, covering one of the biggest news events of the century. Press from all over the world were on hand to cover Austria’s most heinous case: Josef Fritzl - accused of imprisoning his daughter from age 18 in a tiny, windowless, unheated, rat-infested basement that reeked of mold and lacked warm water, repeatingly raping her in front of their children, three of whom had never seen the light of day. His murder charge arose from the death, shortly after birth, of one of the seven children he fathered with his daughter. The Manic Press Corps had sent me over from the States. I would no longer cover Fresh Off The Field stories of adultery and assassinations. It was to be my lead into real journalism; haunting, gritty stories, the kind that get you recognition for with your peers, the kind that get you your drinks on the house. It had been a long, exciting week in Sankt Poelten, when something occurred to me…I had completely missed it.

I had awoken in my hotel room: tired, dehydrated, raw. I got a call from a cute little Spanish reporter with whom I had been tripping the week fantastic. Her name was Agata, meaning Agatha, meaning “good.” She rode me like the Orient Express. I wasn’t surprised about her absence this particular morning. It was her MO. She told me she was leaving. The trial was over. Evil had lost. So was I. I tried to piece together the preceding days.

I recalled that after opening statements by the prosecution and defense, reporters were ushered out of the courtroom for the duration of the trial. We were herded into a large marquee reminiscent of a beer tent, flanked by sausage stands and a mobile sweetshop. It had been erected outside the courtroom to accommodate the hundreds of journalists who've arrived here to follow the trial. We were inundated with folders handed out in the press tent helpfully listing gourmet restaurants and fashionable new nightclubs in town and included brochures from the local tourism board. Mayor Matthias Stadler sought to promote his town as a tourism and cultural center, enthusing, "Sankt Poelten has never been in the spotlight like this before, and I hope to use this opportunity to make good contacts with the media for the future.”

At first I was appalled by his desperate declaration. Mayor Stadler was trying to make the most of their sleepy, baroque town's misfortune of being the venue for perhaps the most grotesque trial in Austria's history. Then it hit me, she hit me. I saw her in the tent area with a beer in one hand, and a huge sausage in her mouth. I was done. Agata and I hit it off immediately, and all of a sudden the pamphlets and nightclubs began to look enticing.

We would make a point to check back in with the Press tent. We would get updates, and sound bite testimonies from second hand sources like, “I am deeply sorry with all my heart for what I have done, but I cannot go back and change it,” and, “I had a very difficult childhood. My mother didn't want me. I was beaten.” Things of that nature. I noted that he was a textbook socio-path. Right out of an awful John Douglas profile book, equipped with an evil lair, and a bad childhood. The updates to my main office in the States were general and placating. I would write the whole thing at the end. It would be great. They trusted me.

I arrived to the Press tent and almost everyone was gone. The jury had found Josef Fritzl guilty of raping and imprisoning his daughter for more than two decades and sentenced him to life in prison. They found Fritzl guilty of incest, rape, enslavement and false imprisonment of his daughter Elisabeth. It also found him guilty of two assault charges and murder in the death of the baby, one of twins, which died 66 hours after birth. I was told that the eight-member jury returned a unanimous verdict on all counts. I heard that Fritzl, dressed in a gray suit, blue shirt and dark tie, stared blankly ahead and showed no emotion as the jury delivered its verdict. I was informed that my article was due in an hour.

I sat down, and milked one last beer to assuage my guilt. I had to regroup and give this horrible story the attention it deserves. Mayor Stadler spotted me in my solitude (Christ I was the only one in there, he couldn’t have missed me). He sat next to me and asked if I had visited the Austrian Museum of Tin Figures. “It’s a great miscellaneous collectibles museum,” he told me. I said maybe next time. Mayor Stadler's efforts to use the occasion to promote tourism in Sankt Poelten may be emblematic of Austria's inclination to evade the uncomfortable questions raised by the Fritzl case. The number one being: How could this have gone on for so long without any indication? I thanked him and left.

I sat in my hotel looking over my press packet. My notes were barely legible. Agata’s number in Spain was written in red lipstick on Fritzl’s biography and wrap sheet. A wrap sheet that told anyone that looked at it that they should have seen this coming. My press pack was all I had. I had to get this done. I had to give this story justice. I had to report the news. I had to lend it heart. The heart that I didn’t give it all week. The heart that I gave to Agata along with all of my cash and a possible case of herpes. My press packet will remember for me and hopefully allow me to at least keep my Fresh off the Field job. And then, as Mayor Stadler hopes, the press pack will remember Sankt Poelten for its pear brandy and its wine, and its new nightclubs and gourmet restaurants.

Roger De La Soul Left Off Times “World's Most Influential People Finalists for 2009”…Again.

(MP) -Time.com is calling all hands to cast their votes for the leaders, artists, entrepreneurs and thinkers who deserve a spot on this year's TIME 100. Conspicuously absent for the fifth straight year is Roger De La Soul of De La Soul Enterprises.

De La Soul is the world’s leading entrepreneur in restaurants, television, social networks, real estate, and commodities. “I just don’t understand how I am not in the running,” explains De La Soul, “I find it atrocious when such a respected and honored news organization submits people like Thomas Beatie – the man-mom, Joaquin Phoenix, and the Twitter guys! I’m bringing people together, not isolating them, aggravating them, or confusing them. My services help people throughout the nation to cope with their everyday stress in their lives.”

What De La Soul is referring to are his numerous start-ups: pickonaforeigner.com, smokeymeatstomach.loaf, Water Bar, Fat Fux, Poop in a Pail, and ManicTV.

“With my foreigner social networking site,” claims De La Soul, “I try to educate and spread understanding in our multi-cultural world. My Fat-Fux chain of restaurants have saved more marriages than Oprah’s Dr. Phil ever could, and the sheer confidence that one garners from using my Poop in a Pail product is the ultimate tool to boost self-esteem.” Always one to love the limelight, De La Soul has even tried his hand in acting, appearing as himself in his commercial for his ground breaking Water Bar restaurant in Manhattan. “I figure, why not? If Brangolina can go from acting to humanitarian causes, then why can’t the biggest humanitarian on the planet, move into acting?”

Many of De La Soul’s practices have drawn considerable scrutiny over the years, but De La Soul believes that all great men end up under the microscope. “When I was contacted directly by the Dalai Lama, and he was thanking me that my Poop in the Pail product was helping with his non-violent cause for Tibet, I knew I was doing good work. It isn’t easy being the King of all Media, but apparently it’s a lot more difficult to get on Time’s fucking 100 most influential list…unless of course you change genders, sexually assault someone, or bilk billions from people.”

Felicia Day does not bring ROI, brings pain and heart break

(MP) – “Do you love watching nerds kiss? Can’t get enough of long goodbyes?” These questions are the basis of a new social networking site called Nerdykisses.longgoodbyes (http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7). Started by Eugene and Claudia Pembertin in 2008, their quest began as a labor of love via angel seed money through their WoW (World of Warcraft) community. “Our avatars, Trevenian and Persephone, reached out to the Alliance throughout Azeroth, and the Alliance responded,” Pembertin explains, “all of our fellow night-elves contributed, much like a dowry to our union.” Pembertin refers to the couple’s actual meeting after falling in love online as their WoW avatars. “We were so excited that we used to film our love for our friends to see all the time,” explains Claudia, “so much so people were actually hooked! Like Ever-crack!”

It does not take a whole lot to divert the attention of today’s Millennials (hell, even the majority of Gen Xers for that matter), but for every new start-up and new social networking sight, the bottom line will always be to monetize the content. In the business community, ROI (return on investment) is how much profit or cost saving is realized, and is sometimes used as a way to grade how well a company is managed. So when the Humans, Gnomes, and Dwarves of the Alliance came calling, the Pembertins had nothing to show them. “They banished us!” explains Eugene, ”these lesser races had the nerve to cast us out! I was desperate!” This desperation drove Eugene to go on a quest. That quest would lead him to the SXSW festival, that quest would lead him to his true desire, THAT quest would lead him to…Felicia Day.

Felicia Day: actress, producer, writer, editor, serial tweeter, accomplished violinist! How could this siren’s song not hypnotize a helpless Eugene Pembertin? “I didn’t even realize he was gone, “notes Claudia, “one morning I awoke, turned to check if he had to use the bathroom, but he wasn’t there. I called everywhere. I looked everywhere for some information as to his whereabouts…and that’s when I found it.” This buried treasure that Claudia uncovered was a vast collection of photo-shopped pictures of Felicia Day and Eugene in strange WoW costumes, sexually explicit poses (with their heads on porn stars bodies), and crumbled tissues and stiff socks. “I knew then where he was. I can’t for the life of me figure out how he hid this, how he’s become obsessed…how he got his socks so stiff.”

Those answers were found on Eugene’s arrival home, defeated, later that week. Eugene had gone to SXSW, followed Felicia Day from the shadows like a night-elf, and tried to approach her. He was blocked by an irate “Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog” fanatic, who was trying to get Felicia to give him Doogie Howser’s (Neil Patrick Harris) number. “And then…she was gone.” Explains Eugene, “I thought, at first, that if she would come on nerdykisses, and kiss me, and hug me, and ride on my back like a pony, that “The Alliance” would welcome Claudia and I back; but, I realized that my obsession ran a little deeper.”

Today, Eugene and Claudia are still together, trying to keep their website above water through our current recession. “I don’t know what our future will be,” explains Claudia, “we’re probably going to have to bring in others to kiss and hug on our site, and become more of a distributor of kissing content. We might have taken our show as far as it could go.” And what of Eugene’s indiscretion turned obsession? “Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, I try to gain her trust back every day...day…Felicia Day…sorry. As I was saying, it’s gonna be hard, but I need to rejoin “The Alliance” with my maiden at my side! This is certain. If I can survive “corrupted blood” at Ironforge, then I can do anything. This is my ‘instance dungeon’, and I’m gonna mine it for all the treasures I can.”http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7