Obama’s World Peace Solution: Keg Parties

(MP) - Pennsylvania Avenue exploded last night with the raucous sounds of house music, triumphant beer pong cheers, and keg stand chants. The uproar, however, was not emitted from any fraternity house or annual summer concert series, but originated from the biggest house party Washington D.C. had ever seen – The White House Beer Bender. It wasn’t little Malia and Sasha Obama however, emulating the Bush twin’s (or George W.’s for that matter) late night escapade shenanigans, but it was President Obama himself bringing the leaders of the world together for a bonafide peace conference rager.

“We apologize to the residents of our nation’s capital,” announced White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “for the noise violations, public acts of intoxication, and any acts of lewd behavior that may have inconvenienced our neighbors. We were trying to settle old grudges, and bring about a safer world climate, and, uh, it…just got out of control.”

The public apology has come off the heels of what President Obama hoped could be the hallmark of his early presidency, and perhaps land him a shot at the coveted Nobel Peace Prize. As Obama learned from his Rose Garden sit down with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge, Mass police Sgt. James Crowley, (a meeting to calm the national race issue uproar over a couple of cold ones), the President felt that it went so well, that he decided to take it to a world stage. On hand at the gala were a who’s who of familiar faces: Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Israeli President Shimon Peres, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, Mexican President Felipe Calderon, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, President of Ireland Mary McAleese, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany, President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan, and Somali President Sharif Ahmed.

The party began at eight and proceeded to six in the morning. Witnesses on hand reported that what was to be a respectable event to negotiate social tolerance throughout the world, turned into a hedonistic romp of Dionysian proportions.

“It was like something out of an episode of True Blood,” reports one witness who wished to remain anonymous, “they all became so shit faced that by the end of the evening Abbas and Peres were on the same beer pong team, dominating and hugging it out, Ahmadinejad was holding al-Maliki’s legs up for his fifth keg stand, and even Dick Cheney was seen holding Nancy Pelosi’s hair back as she puked all over the front lawn. It wasn’t until Merkel, McAleese, and Sharif Ahmed started the wet t-shirt contest that everything had to move inside.”

It was reported that paramedics arrived on the scene shortly after the party moved inside. It is still not verified which world leader had to have their stomach pumped, but it is rumored that North Korean Premier Kim Yong-il was seen taking a extraordinary amount of ludes, and washing it down with Red Stripes brought as a special gift to President Obama from Jamaican Prime Minister Bruce Golding. The rumor started when some pictures surfaced on the internet of a passed out il in the Lincoln bedroom with nuclear penis rockets drawn all over his body in black marker, as well as two hanging testicles draped over the bridge of his nose. The North Korean government has not issued a statement at this time as to the authenticity of the photographs.

Though it has been reported that no one at the party has “officially” apologized to one another, President Obama believes that, once again, he has taken steps to bridge people together through the great elixir that is cold, comforting, hoppy brews. "I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart."

Bulls Will Kill You If Drunkenly Taunted

(MP) - As the final day of the San Fermin Festival comes to its raucous conclusion of fireworks, drunken debauchery, and general lack of common sense, one thing remains abundantly clear after this nine-day orgy of celebration: Bulls will kill you if drunkenly taunted. So, why would anyone want to risk their lives running in front of a pack of angry bulls? Locally, the festival of San Fermín in the city of Pamplona (Navarre, Spain) is held in honor of Saint Fermin. It is a deeply rooted celebration dating back to at least the 15th century. Internationally, it has become a test of male bravado, a summer vacation for drunken daredevils, and a final resting place for some unathletic adrenalin junkies.

“Oh, man, it was sick!” states Brandon Mavis, a U.S. celebutante best known for his reality show So Rich, who has come to Pamplona just for the event, “it’s like a 24-hour party here! I was still wasted, man. Then this huge firework exploded, the bulls were let loose. Dude, I sobered up quick. What a rush.”

Mavis is the quintessential tourist that comes to this event for no other reason than a reckless desire to have fun. When Ernest Hemingway detailed a pilgrimage to Pamplona in his 1926 novel The Sun Also Rises, the festival's notoriety spread worldwide and tourists have flocked to northern Spain ever since seeking the thrill of being chased by cattle for a half-mile, known as the encierro, and escape to tell the tale afterwards.

“Ernest who?” questions Mavis, “I don’t know, bro, don’t read much Spanish writers, my Spanish isn’t so good; but my buddy went to a bachelor party here, and he said it was f-in’ sickles, man. Said it’s like a manly right of passage, and when you finish, chicks everywhere just get nuts and fuck. Like you’re a gladiator or something.”

Women are traditionally discouraged from taking part in the encierro, however we witnessed some very untraditional runners in the mix.

“It’s about times some meat started chasin’ me for a change,” explained New Jersey born Jeneane Menthol, who was on vacation with her fiancé in Barcelona, but decided to come up for the festivities, “actually, it stunks of stale beer and urines around here. Then this little Mexican yelled ‘The bulls are coming’ and I saw them. Oh my Gawd, I almost wet my pants. I fell, and I was tolds to just stay down, and I just let them pass me. I think I saw someones get a bull horn up his ass. I must have been retarded to try something like this.”

The rectal goring has yet to be verified, but what has been is that this year’s fiesta has been the bloodiest in years. In the first goring death at Spain's running of the bulls since 1995 (15 people have been killed since record-keeping began in 1924), a 27-year-old was killed Friday after a bull became separated from the pack. In addition, a 61-year-old American was struck in the chest, and is now suffering from internal bleeding; a London man of 20 was also taken to hospital after being gored in the leg; and two other runners were gored and seven more treated for other injuries. This bloody week now culminates with the Pobre de mí - the last official event of the fiesta. The people of Pamplona, with candles in hand, converge on City Hall Square to say goodbye to the fiesta and immediately start the countdown for the following year's San Fermines! The mayor officially 'closes' the fiesta and calls on everyone to come back for more fun next year.

“Hell yea, I’ll be back,” exclaims Mavis, “you play, you pay. Can’t be known as a sick-fuck, if you don’t do sick-fuck shit, you know? Dude, I’m officially a sick-fuck runner!”

Like Mavis, many around the world that did live to tell about their adventure will be back to stumble in front of bulls and steers as they’re marched to meet their end in the bullring. Death has never stopped the festivities before, and certainly won’t hinder the countdown to next year. But it should be unmistakably clear, that if you mess with the bull, you do indeed get the horns – get them in the throat, in the leg, perhaps even in the anus.

“No ways! Never again,” states Ms. Menthol, “It was like a bunch of silly boys, dodging cars. Those Mexicans are crazy!”

Sharpton out duels Jesse by calling for Jackson knighthood, sainthood…country renamed U.S.J.

LOS ANGELES-- Reverend Al Sharpton has secured the top spot, knocking Reverend Jesse Jackson out of the running for the “who’s the blackest activist in the world by embracing causes in order to promote themselves” competition. Held usually about once a year, in the midst of some singular cause that may or may not be construed as a situation of racism, these two juggernauts crept out of hiding from whatever they do on a daily basis, and came out swinging. This year’s competition - who will preside over the funeral of Michael Jackson.

The contest kicked off with the King of Pop's sudden death last Thursday as The Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both known to wind up smack-dab in the middle of every media crisis, but never really work together towards a unified voice, converged on Michael Jackson's family acting as semi-official spokesmen and advisers.

“It’s been exciting,” explains Cornelius Fable, head of the National Alliance for the Advancement of Crooked Politicians, a committee that tracks public figures as they inject themselves into the media to keep relevant, “they didn’t have a lot of time to make this happen, so they’ve been working fast. I thought Sharpton took it with the postage stamp, but once he suggested to rename the country after Michael, I knew he had won by a landslide.”

The feats of prominence began with Jesse Jackson’s announcement that the Jackson family wanted a second autopsy for Michael, citing Michael's death as "abnormal.”

“He came out swinging,” continues Fable, “Dropping the conspiracy theory that early was bold, but he has a lot to lose so I understand his strategy. He’s delivered rites for prominent black figures ranging from Miles Davis to the slain family of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson. But Sharpton got the 2006 James Brown memorial. That was big. They both got the Coretta Scott King funeral by default, cause you can’t really compete with Reverend King.”

Sharpton then held his press conference alongside Michael's father, Joe Jackson detailing his plan to lead a full-day memorial at Harlem's Apollo Theater on Tuesday. But with Joe believed to have been written out of the will, and Michael's mother, Katherine — who was closer to the star and is regarded as the heart of the family — leaving the scene just as Sharpton was arriving, many believe that Sharpton chose the wrong alliance.

“That’s when he started dropping H-bombs,” opines Fable, “Sharpton’s 'Little Boy' revealed that Jackson won Obama the White House, there should be a stamp, a national day of mourning, he should be knighted, and considered for sainthood - and then 'Fat Man hit.' The United States of Jackson? Stroke of brilliance. There was enough inundation of ass kissing there that he just pulled away. It just ceased to be a contest.”

Sharpton is now believed to have emerged as the family’s “black activist who doesn’t really work, but somehow is rich, and turns every situation into one of racism” choice to help define Jackson's legacy, which would be of great import to black Americans in particular. With James Brown, and now Michael Jackson under his belt, Sharpton just may be in the over-all lead. Surprisingly, no comments from either camps have been made at this time.

So Many Colors in the Fleet Week Rainbow…

As the ships and service members depart New York City today, there is a sullen atmosphere hanging over the Big Apple. Is it the remembrance of those we’ve lost in the military over the past 90 years? The departing of our service men and women to far off dangerous places that they may never return? Having to return to the working life after a long weekend of drinking in the sun with friends and family? Possibly. But this cloud of doom seems to be hovering exclusively over the West side of Manhattan, eclipsing the usually brightly colored arch in the sky above the bars of Chelsea and the West Village. It is our homosexual brothers who are mourning once again, as they do every year at this time, over the loss of their seamen.

"…Don’t be afraid to let those colors shine…"

Although the Fleet Week activities provide telling metaphors for many of the “alpha-manly” demonstrations (21-gun salutes, arm wrestling tournaments, the phallic power of big boats spraying jets of water all over the Hudson), these are just the “official” expositions for the public. However, “unofficially,” these sailors are “exposing” themselves in other ways at night at the West Village's biggest gay bars. It’s no secret that these bars see huge amounts of patrons during Fleet Week (second only to Pride week), and the “don’t ask, don’t tell” military policy causes these drunk, young men who’ve been cooped up together for months, to get their shot at sexual release.

"…Show me yours. I'm gonna show you mine…"

“I fucking love Fleet Week,” states Bobby Jackson, ballet instructor and artistic director of the Bobby Ballet Dance Studio, “some of these closeted dudes really let it all hang out too. Some say it's close to the Piers where the ships dock, personally, I think the guys are cruising for blowjobs. I see it ever year, the kids get drunk, the guys get hot young men, and everyone forgets it ever happened. Like shooting fish in a barrel.”

"…If you find a pot of gold, every little thing is gonna work out fine…"

Many men that get left and heart broken, revert back to cruising Christopher Street wishing that every week could be Fleet Week. The depression that ensues is said to last for the entire year in some cases. Some men have even gone so far as to attempt to get a clinical appellation (Fleet Weak) to describe the mental sickness that drives them to becoming excited and let down all over again each and every year.

“They’re rough boy!” explains Steven O’Chessee, dancer, “I always hope to find my “The Way We Were” moment whenever they come into town. Like some Redford-esque guy who will sweep me off my feet…but it never happens. They always leave.”

"…A warm embrace and a kind-a hello…"

So what are the men of Manhattan to do about this constant annual occurrence that brings their spirits up to the sky, but in a week sends them crashing, dramatically into the sea?

“Look, people need to stop fucking whining, ok,” explains Jackson, “take it for what it is. We’re guys. We should be able to fuck each other without things getting complicated. Should be like a handshake for Christ’s sake. So enough with this “Fleet Weak” shit, wash your mouth out, and move on.”

"…reach inside your soul and learn your fellow. In the Fleet Week rainbow."

Lady Liberty To World – “Get in My Mind, Not Just in My Body”

(MP) - In the age-old battle of the sexes, one of the biggest (if not THE biggest), complaints that women have about men is that they are only after one thing: their bodies. Some women like Susan B. Anthony and Gloria Steinem, have fought throughout history for suffrage, equality in the workplace, and the continuing struggle to be looked upon as intellectual equals, and not just sex objects to exploit. Other women, like Jenna Jameson, have used their bodies as tools to rise to the height of the business world, and once there, have changed gears and become formidable CEO’s and intellectual juggernauts in their own right. This past week the oldest woman alive spoke out for the respect that has eluded her for the past eight years. That woman is New York’s very own Statue of Liberty.

“When I saw Jenna Jameson on William Shatner’s talk show ‘Raw Nerve,’ explains Lady Liberty, “and she talked about her shocking decision to retire from porn, but continue to run her enterprise that is the strongest in her business, I became inspired. I related to her. People have been crawling in and out of my body for years, just like her, and I’m tired of it. It’s time they saw what my mind has to offer as well.”

The Statue of Liberty has welcomed visitors, immigrants, and returning Americans inside her ever since 1886, when France gifted the giant lady to the United States. The crown, however, has been closed to tourists ever since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. But it seems that Lady Liberty’s pronouncement of no longer being seen just as a “body” has not fallen on deaf ears. The crown of the Statue of Liberty will re-open to tourists this July 4.

"We are once again inviting the public to celebrate our great nation,” explained Jacqueline Cufflinks, spokeswoman for the iron icon, “and the hope and opportunity it symbolizes by not just entering our Lady’s legs, and exploring her cavity like a mindless piece of ass, but also climbing to Lady Liberty's crown for a unique view of New York Harbor, and to see that she is just as smart, driven, and wise than any other male statue in the world.”

Reactions from women all around the country have been supportive and inspired.

“I thinks it’s great, you know,” opines Jeneane Menthol, mother of two, who has used her body in the past to get ahead, “I have a man now, so I don’t runs around no more, but who doesn’t want to be seens as smart? I’ll take my daughters there. I just wish we could enter her mouth first, you know? Then we can leave out of her body the way it’s dones in nature – out her hoo-ha.”

Access to the crown will be limited to 10 people at a time, but Lady Liberty sees that as a good thing.

“It will allow me to really talk to people, in the intimate setting that is my head, so I can have people focus on what I have to offer intellectually. But don’t get me wrong; I am a woman of the 21st century still. I can be everything I want to be. I still have needs and desires, so I won’t be closing my legs any time soon. You just have to also want to get into my head in order to have the whole experience that I have to offer. Just like my new heroine - Jenna Jameson.”

USPS - Delivering Your Drugs Safely...And On Time!!!

(MP) - When it comes to finding and relying on a courier service to get your package delivered on time, and in one piece, it’s very nerve racking to feel secure about choosing the right one. The USPS, FedEx, and UPS have cornered the market on shipping, but they have become increasingly careless as of late in regard to handling special packages. So when you need drugs that you promised your friend in college sent, or you really don’t want to drive into an unfriendly neighborhood, then whom can you turn to for that piece of mind?

“I don’t know anymore…” frets ‘The Weeze’, stoner, and off-off-off Broadway theater technician who would not reveal his name, “I never used to worry bout gettin’ ‘the kind’ from my buddies in VT. We’d do the Brown all the time. But then I heard what happened in Texas, and I just can’t trust them anymore. I can’t have my Northern Lights going to, like…somewhere else, you know?”

What “The Weeze” is referring to is the incident that took place in Denton, Texas earlier this year. A man from Denton, Texas was awaiting a delivery of tools that he had ordered from Sears, but was delivered a 30-pound marijuana brick with a street value of $10,500 instead. It seems that the delivery was intended for an address in Dallas, but UPS delivered it to the wrong destination.

“We still stand by our track record,” states Arizona Girth, long time UPS employee, “we deliver thousands of packages a day, every day, all year long. Something is bound to get lost in the mix. We’re only human. But our goofs are minimal. After the Denton fiasco, we’ve stepped up our address verifications, and have had a 90% approval rating on deliveries of all goods, and more specifically an increase in our drug trafficking, which is very positive for our growth.”

To compete with UPS, the USPS (which has joined forces with Mailboxes, Etc.) has just launched its “Be Kind Tiers” in all its locations across the country. They will take special care of higher valued packages, and even replace lost items as an insurance policy with G-4 marijuana strands of equal value to lost merchandise. The tiers range from the “Escobar Underground” for shipments that reach a certain weight capacity down to the “Social Toker” tier for those that fear facing an actual drug dealer in person.

“Wine is fine,” explains Cody Splendor, who was willing to record himself after receiving his “Escobar” package for promotional purposes for USPS’s “Be Kind” trial stages, “but knowing that I don’t have to go to a strange place for a solid, sweet strapper, and end up entwined in some mass sex situation with genitalia in my face is comforting for my anxiety. It’s being brought to my friends and I at a specific time and a specific place. I think the service is a fabulous success.”

Others around the country do as well, as USPS has recorded huge first and second quarter earnings for 2009. “The tier system is working solid ” reports Sully Builder, veteran postal worker, “deliveries are on time, numbers are up, salaries are up, postal suicide and mass execution rates are down…and everyone is happy and high. Can you think of a better system?”

Outraged Elephants Want Same Respect As Pigs

(MP) - With the hysteria over the H1N1 virus pandemic subsiding, a new uproar is occurring in regard to the recent change of nomenclature for the over-hyped contagion. In the past week, The World Health Organization (WHO), bowing to pressure from meat industry producers, concerned governments, and pigs throughout the U.S., said on Thursday it would no longer call the deadly virus strain “swine flu”, but would refer to it, henceforth, as influenza A (H1N1). This change has not only brought outrage from the avian community (whose name has been bastardized and forever linked with the H5N1 virus), but also a new group who wish to end the association of their community with the dreaded lymphatic filariasis disease – the elephants.

“We’re not in any way denigrating or minimalizing the severity of the disease,” explains Babar, the spokes-phant for the newly organized Elephants Are Really Steamed (EARS) coalition, “but we wish that the disease be called by it’s medical name, and stop the use of our species as a short hand from some carnival freak.”

Elephantiasis (filariasis disease), a disease that is characterized by the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals, is associated in the public mind with "The Elephant Man", the carnival stage name of Joseph Merrick. The name refers to the resemblance of the sufferer's limbs to the thick, baggy skin on the limbs and trunks of elephants.

“It’s not even in the same ball park as the pigs,” continued Babar, “they actually carry and pass their virus. Swine influenza - that’s right, I said it - is common in pigs, that’s why it’s called that. But now you have countries banning imports of pork from Mexico and the United States, so food industries and governments are calling for a name change to remove the link in people's minds between the disease and pigs – it’s just sickening! Who’s looking out for us? Who has our special interest at heart? Ivory lobbies? Yea right.”

No one in the government, WHO, or pork industries could be reached for comment, but it was discovered that Porky Pig had gathered, in a star-studded after-party, many supporters of the movement. In attendance were Babe, Wilbur, Piglet, the Three Little Pigs, and the biggest hog herself – Miss Piggy. Authorities, arriving on the scene after continual noise violations were issued, discovered a giant “boar-gie” in process. The party was then quickly broken up and all who attended went home.

“I’ve heard about the whole elephant thing, and I think there is a prejudice there,” opines Big Bird, a resident of Sesame Street and advocate of changing the avian flu appellation, “these pigs have these sick sex-parties, without protection, and they just spread their virus without impunity. They’ll have sex with anything, so eventually, that virus will cross species. But, if you have enough lobbyists and dirty politicians in your pocket, then you can do anything you want I guess.”

No pigs, hogs, boars, or swines could be reached for comment before this article went to press.

Thousands Claim to Have “Almost” Won The Kentucky Derby

(MP) - Either sipping on Mint Juleps and gorging on Burgoo on "Millionaire's Row,” or drinking straight from a bottle of Jim Beam down in the “The Infield,” over a 100,000 spectators and revelers came out to Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky for "The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports." The Kentucky Derby is one of the crown jewels of the elusive Triple Crown, which includes the Belmont Stakes and the Preakness Stakes. It is also one of the most heavily gambled sporting events of the year.

This year’s winner, and a 50-1 long shot, was Mine That Bird - one of the biggest upsets in Kentucky Derby history, winning by more than 6 lengths. Mine That Bird covered the 1 1/4 miles in 2:02.66 and paid $103.20 to win. However, the buzz around the area, as well as around the country, is “who exactly bet on this loser?” Well, it seems that more and more people are coming forward claiming to have done just that…or at least, thought about doing just that.

“When ‘I Want Revenge’ was scratched,” explains Bobby Jackson, a ballet instructor who came to "The Run for the Roses" to finance his ballet school, “I looked at that f@#&ing mule and thought, ‘maybe I should bet on a loser.’ But, then I came to my senses because I hang out with enough losers, so I put it on ‘Friesian Fire’ at 5-1. F@$#%ing Christ! I almost picked the winner!”

The excitement of thinking about betting on the horse that won was also expressed on “Millionaire’s Row.” London Marriot, attired in a long dress, big hat, carrying a fancy umbrella, and completely inebriated also lamented her missed opportunity, “Oh my God! I thought about betting on him when the horses were paraded before the grandstands. But then the marching band started, people were singing, I slipped off to the bathroom with Brandon, and like, I came back and betted on ‘Mr. Hot Stuff.’ Wait, or did I already bet on him, and wished I hadn’t? I don’t remember…I was pretty gone.”

This “arm chair quarterback” syndrome was not exclusive to the visitors to Churchill Downs. Spectators across America have also reported that they “almost” picked this year’s winner as well.

“I called my bookie cause I don’t like the OTB,” explains Millis Hobgood, a resident of New York City, “and I told him to run with Dunkirk and Pioneer of the Nile (both at 4-1), and then Mine That Bird. But I misread the name, and I called him back and bet on Summer Bird. I wanted Summer Bird…I like the summer…not mines. But I picked the winner initially!! How about that?”

This mass self-deception has been found to actually be quite prevalent across all major sporting events, as well as on all suburban high school sports fields across the country. Studies are showing that more people believe that they are able to consistently pick winners, but then for some reason decide to neglect their instinct. In a cross-study conducted by the University of Mania, it was found that 90% of the people that believe that they almost picked an eventual winner, but didn’t, are completely full of shit.

Super Man-Thong Saves Boeing 747, But Denied Membership Into Allegiance of Heroes

(MP) - The Federal Aviation Administration - apologizing for the Boeing 747, which took part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot, and flew frighteningly close to the buildings of New York City, scaring it’s citizens – is now being accused of not just negligence by everyone from the mayor to the President - but lying as well. It has been revealed that the plane was actually out of the pilot’s control for a period of time, causing the 747 to veer so low into the building’s path.

“I saws the plane,” explains Jeanine Menthol, an eye witness who came into the city with her two daughters to enjoy the unusually warm April day, “and I almost shit my pants, ok? I thought it was another 9/11’s. My kids ran for cover, leaving me, and then I looked up and saw him. I thought he wasn’t real, but you can’t fake that kind of package.”

What Ms. Menthol is referring to is the appearance on the scene of the fabled Super Man-Thong. Dressed only in a thong, the underground vigilante is known for fighting crime throughout the tri-state area. No one has ever gotten a good look at the Jersey hero, but this time he flew down into the street to greet the press corps that arrived on the scene.

“Another job well done for Man-Thong,” explained the gallant hero, “by rerouting that plane I saved you all. This will show the ‘Allegiance’ once for all that just because I don’t like tan lines, doesn’t mean I can’t help people.”

Recent reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio have centered on the discovery of a real life super hero organization. Calling itself the “Allegiance of Heroes”, this team of vigilantes, made up of a group of men -- and one woman - communicate with one another in online forums, then don their uniforms and fight crime all over the country. Led by Cincinnati’s own - Shadowhare - the group consists of Aclyptico stationed in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado, Master Legend in Florida, and Mr. Extreme in California. However, one scantily clad super hero has been declined for membership in this extremely elite community, and that is New Jersey’s own – Super Man-Thong.

“We have very strict criteria to gain admittance into our alliance,” explained Shadowhare, who was abused as a child and grew up in foster homes, perhaps leading him to a life helping others,” it’s very clear in our by-laws – ‘The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it's creation’- end of story. His costume is a mockery. We don’t need anyone laughing at us thinking that we are crazy or something.”

The crime fighters will often pair up to patrol the streets. However, none of them wish to be seen teaming up with the T’d Strung super hero. "We help enforce the law by doing what we can in legal standards, so we carry handcuffs, pepper spray … all the legal weapons," continued Shadowhare. "We will do citizen's arrests. We will intervene on crimes if there is one happening in front of us. He has nowhere to carry any of these crime-fighting gadgets. He constantly has me hold his wallet for him. Besides, that whole plane thing? He caused it to happen so he could save it so we would let him in!"

In a statement responding to these allegations, Super Man-Thong declared, “in no way did I put anyone in harms way. Shadowhare is a liar and a fraud. He suffered a dislocated shoulder two years ago while trying to help a woman who was being attacked. What kind of power is that? Tell me!! I can fly dammit!! I can shoot freaking laser beams out of my thong!! I can propel myself at the speed of light with my farts! How much more do I need to do to be a part of their group, huh? Huh?”

New Swine Flu Symptoms Revealed: Beer Goggles and Walks of Shame

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”

Celebrity “Spit Party” Cracks Zach Efron Affair

(MP) - 23andme.com, the Google-backed personal genomics start-up, attracted world-wide media attention for itself this past January with its celebrity "spit party": at which notables ejected saliva samples into test tubes before cutting loose with a barrage of booze and gourmet delicacies. The event, hosted by media moguls Barry Diller, Rupert Murdoch, and Harvey Weinstein, was part of a publicity push by 23andMe through its celebrity marketing strategy.

23andMe offers to analyze your DNA if you send them some spit and a wad of cash. They offer information about your risk of specific serious conditions, tests for "hair loss" or "addiction," optimum foods for your genetic profile, and will scan your entire genome for variants that supposedly predispose you to a range of conditions, from Alzheimer's to arthritis to athletic performance. A Hollywood insider revealed that the “spit party” was very appealing to many of the stars that attended; however, the company is back in the spotlight, and the hot seat, after results from one their test tube subjects was leaked onto the internet.

The unverified report that was leaked was that the DNA test tube spit-sample of party girl/celebutante London Marriot, from the hit reality show So Rich, revealed traces of two different DNA structure sequences. After further investigation, it was found that one of the strand structures was an identical match to Hollywood heartthrob Zach Efron. Neither could be reached for comment, but eyewitnesses stated that Efron did in fact attend the event without girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, and was seen with Marriot before entering the party.

The witness, who wishes to remain nameless, stated, “all of a sudden they both appeared, and there were all these cameras around, and they had no where to go. They were both handed their test tubes, and it seemed that London’s sample seemed a lot more…viscous than any others that I had seen.”

Hollywood paparazzi have been beside themselves due to the lack of response from all parties involved. Speculation and rumors are arising concerning the viscosity of the sample. Marriot has been no stranger to the dehydrated dry mouth that binge drinking provides, but witness’ description of the thick, but watery, sample could belie that common place theory. Until further details are revealed, all we can say to celebrities that attend these parties in the future is to be careful where you spit.

A Little TOO Much Earth Day Love?

(MP) - Today is Earth Day: a day to set aside and take stock in what we are doing to our planet EVERY OTHER day of the year. It is a day that all environmentalists hope that everyone in the world will become enamored with what is all around them, and begin to make a concentrated effort to love and to care for our mother Earth. Every year, one eco-friendly group, Manic Tree Huggers, goes into the woods of Northern California, and stages a “hug-in”, where they pick the tree of their choice, wrap their arms around it, and engage in one giant hug-of-war. However, this particular protest caught one eco-striver off guard.

“We all entered the area,” explains Barry Dud, founder of Compost Orgy, one time a dismissed sexually deviant sub-culture of the environmentalist movement, but has now seen spikes in memberships and functions in the last 8 years, “and we spread out under this beautiful canopy of branches and leaves. I was looking for what seemed like forever for my tree, and then one finally entranced me. When I went to touch it, this crazy naked man ran out of the bushes and pointed a Winchester rifle right in my face!”

In a report later filed by California State Troopers, Dud reported that he had recognized the naked man as Clarence Ogle, a “hugger” from a North Dakota faction that had mysteriously disappeared 8 years ago.

“I knew it was him,” explained Dud, “and I said, ‘Clarence? Is that you?’ and he just kept yelling at us all, saying to stay away from his woman, that she was his, she loved him, and that he didn’t know who the hell Clarence Ogle was – that his name was Erogenous Sticks. He kept just saying that – Erogenous Sticks, Erogenous Sticks, My name’s Erogenous Sticks!”

Dud also testified that when the group had been driven from the area, an eye witness, Mindy Greensteen from New York, went back to discover Sticks fornicating the bark of the beguiling arbor.

“It was actually quite beautiful. I never got any sense that what he was doing was anything dirty,” explains Mindy Greensteen, “he was being so sweet with her. He was running his fingers through her leaves, telling her that he loved her, I genuinely got the impression that he had really fallen in love with this…tree.”

“He had been bewitched by the siren sounds of the wind in her leaves,” muses Dud, “so with our protest pretty much a bust, and half of our group deciding to call it a day, and the erotic nature of the whole experience; the remaining six of us that were single and committed to the cause decided to find the nearest compost pile and start pleasuring one another no matter what we looked like to each other – fat, thin, ugly, cute. I mean, love and pleasure are one in the same on Earth Day. I think that’s what we took away from Clare- I mean, Erogenous - It seems that love can come in all shapes, sizes, species, and…perennial woody plants!”

4/20 Preparation Believed to be Cause of Death for 21 Thoroughbred Horses

(MP) - "I’m not sure what happened exactly,” explains Stratocaster, the recently discovered survivor of 21 horses that died at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Florida, “last I remembered it hit four-twenty, and all I know is I woke up, with my cat Mr. Tweets, on the beach in an orange jumpsuit.”

State of Florida officials said Monday that they suspect a drug reaction or toxins killed 21 horses as they were prepared to compete in a Sunday polo match in Wellington, Florida. Some of the 15 horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team died immediately, but some lingered for about 45 minutes. Six of the 21 horses were kept overnight in the same trailer for further interrogation. Before any further developments in the case could be uncovered, the remaining witnesses died sometime between Sunday and Monday.

"There was a combination of something," reported Ty Browley of the U.S. Polo Association, the sport's governing body, on Sunday night, "We don't know, but we're going to find out. Obviously, this is a tragic situation, and we are working hard to determine what happened," he continued, "But it would be irresponsible to speculate on what may have killed the horses. We will wait until the facts are in before making any specific comments on the case."

Some of those facts are now coming to light as a result of the Stratocaster’s reemergence. “It seems that on their off day, these horses were preparing for something called 4/20, in which groups gather on the 20th of April, at 4:00, and smoke extraordinary amounts of marijuana.” Browley explained, “we are discovering from Stratocaster’s testimony that mass cocaine use coincided with the horses preparation for this mass smoke-out.”

“We were in 4/20 training, and Val’s Dream brought in a copy of Bachelor Party,” explained Stratocaster, “we watched up to the part when the mule does all the coke, and then dances with the stripper. We all started joking that thoroughbred’s could easily out-party a jackass any day of the week. Unlucky Day (whose owner is Z-list celebrity, and recovering drug addict, Mick Priest) happened to have some with him from his owner’s stash, and it was all down hill from there.”

Ty Browley said he's never seen anything like the scenario that unfolded Sunday night. “Players and trainers do everything possible to keep the horses in optimum condition. These horses are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. They are babied every single day, all day long. But, I guess they are still just kids when you come down to it.”

Now that the facts have been ascertained, Browley is now starting an investigation to uncover further drug abuse in the Polo community.

“We’ve always tested for steroids for these animals because of the untrusting human factor,” states Browley, “but it seems there is now a growing concern over an ‘equine gateway-drug community’ that is pervading our Polo clubs. This 4/20 community, or cult, or whatever you wish to call it, will not continue with these horses. We’re going to crack down on these animals, get them on the straight and narrow - or else it is glue time boys.”

Real Teabaggers Protest Abuse of the Term

(MP) - Americans took it to the streets Wednesday (April 15th - tax day deadline for any of you U.S. citizens living in a basement with no job, TV, windows, or access to the outside world). Demonstrators attended more than 750 Tax Day “tea parties” in cities across the country. The events were meant to protest government spending, particularly the Obama administration’s $787 billion stimulus package and its $3.5 trillion budget. As part of the demonstration, people wore tea bags hanging from umbrellas or eyeglasses, as well as tossing them on the White House lawn. The significance alludes to the historical “Boston Tea Party” and as a result, the appellation assigned to these people has become the running joke - “teabaggers”.

However, one group doesn’t find the joke very funny. Blane Turner, president of the International TeaBaggers Alliance, finds the innuendo that is eliciting snickers and guffaws from bloggers and the main-stream media is insulting and disrespectful.

“When you have a well respected journalist like Anderson Cooper, making snide, sarcastic remarks that it’s 'hard to talk when you’re teabagging,' who out there will ever see past this ignorance and believe that - Yes! It is indeed hard to talk when you are teabagging! It can be dangerous too.”

The innuendo referred to here is what Turner states is the “legitimate definition” of teabbagging in which a man squats on top of a woman’s face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex.

“That’s all I ever knew it to mean,” states Teddy Rooney, former Atlantic City showman, recovering alcoholic, and long time teabagger, “it was a staple with the whores that I knew in Jersey...like kissing or shaking hands. I think this protest is important. Hundreds of naked chicks lying around on their backs? One of them is bound to get teabagged."

The ITBA gathered together on Thursday in lower Manhattan. The demonstration brought over a thousand protesters who stripped completely naked and proceeded to lay down on their backs in unison as a gesture to the position most teabaggers find themselves in. Police arrived very late on the scene in confusion.

"Yea, well we got a call that a teabaggin' protests where happenin'’,” explains NYPD Officer Buffumo, “but they’d been happenin’ all day Wednesday. Then we got here, and saw that this protest was teabaggin’ of a whole other flavor if you know what I mean?”

The protest was soon broken up, and everyone dispersed without any violence. No arrests were made for any public indecency, and the ITBA felt that it was all a great success.

“I think we made our point,” muses Turner, “you can’t just throw around your tea bags and call it teabagging. The only true definition is when those bags land in someone’s mouth, and not on the White House lawn.”

Drugs Used To Cure Alcoholism "A Bunch of Nonsense."

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago — when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors’ offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, “There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines — reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way. An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you’re an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as ‘OK’ drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups — topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model — based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous — is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

“It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference.”

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. “Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism,” says Schwarzlose. “They’re smart people, but they’re missing how complex this disease is.”

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that’s Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

Val Kilmer Should Play "The Flash"!

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone.

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

Unemployed Ugly People “Tune-Up” For Recession Job Hunt

With the unemployment rate averaging 8% for the tri-state area, and the economy still not seeing it’s bottom yet - the job hunt is on. But, with so many urban professionals all vying for the same competitive jobs, people are beginning to rely on more than just their resume and experience. It’s no surprise that studies show that tall, good-looking people do better in life and in love, so the latest philosophy in the ugly community (and you know who you are) seems to be, “a nip – here, and a tuck – there, is going to give me an edge in this flooded market.”

Dr. Orville Hamish, who performs what he calls a “wide awake face-lift” using only local anesthesia, which slashes the recovery time as well as the cost by as much as $6,000, making it popular among heinous looking job seekers, stated, “Before the economy turned down, people would come in because they wanted to have more fun and enjoyment out of life. But now plastic surgery has become a necessity for some. Unfortunate looking people cannot only rely on their skills in this market. They want to look refreshed and youthful so they can compete for jobs.”

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) released a recent survey showing that, “American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. About 3 percent said they already had a cosmetic procedure to increase their perceived value in the workplace, and 73 percent said they believed that appearance and youthful looks play a part in getting hired, a promotion, or getting new clients, particularly in these challenging economic times.”

“The surgery made sense for me,” explains Marion Capricella, aspiring fashion designer, single mother of two, and looks as if she fell from the ugly tree, hitting every branch with her face, “I look at least 10 to 15 years younger, my tits are tighter, and I have more confidence.”

Manhattan plastic surgeon Saul Rubenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for hideous women AND men.

“Men and women in their 40’s and 50’s are competing with peers 10 to 15 years younger and employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified,” Rubenberg said, “We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago, and a lot of patients view the surgery as an investment and are financing it with loans.”

Ted Evening, Realtor, had a recent “tune-up” and explained, “My handsome friends would tell me, ‘Ted, get a good haircut, good clothes, and smile. Dazzle them with your wit. With your education and work history, employers will look past your fucked-up face. I mean,” he continued, “I’ve been saving for a long time for one of those penis enlargement procedures; but being what the real estate market is, I know I’ll soon have to interview,” Ted recently spent $17,000 on his face-lift, and still hasn’t found a job, but that hasn’t discouraged him.

”Men don’t quit playing because they grow old, know what I mean? They grow old cause they quit playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that,” Evening explains, ”You get what I’m talking about? I’m a goddamn handsome man now! An Adonis! Put me in the same room with some kid. I’ll knock it out of the park, you know what I mean? I mean, who cares if I have a small penis, I’m gonna be working, baby!”

In addition to the perceived competitive advantage from a face-lift, some surgeons believe the recession is starting to cause more and more patients to get “work done” for an emotional lift in these dark times.

“If you’re really ugly AND unemployed, that’s a double whammy,” opines Dr. Jesse Jamison, certified psychiatrist, “that’s difficult for anyone to even stand the sight of themselves, alone standing in front of a mirror. I think if it boosts self-esteem then it’s great. I’ve seen a little “work” save relationships, spice up sex lives, and hopefully for these really disfigured few, give them some financial security and sense of entitlement that only the beautiful ever really possess.”

Recession “Cocooners” Can’t Afford Fat Kids

(MP) - Adrian and Judy Parcheezie don’t go out of their home much anymore. Once a staple in their lifestyle, they’ve now given up their outings to boutique restaurants, independent foreign films, weekend driving excursions, and the idea of parenthood.

“Times are tough,” explains Judy, “we’ve buckled down, eat home a lot, don’t see much of our friends anymore. We’re really utilizing and building up our Netflix queue, not drinking so much bottled water, and having much more sex.” After a synchronized giggle, Adrian then added, “yea, and with a rubber too! Can’t afford to have a fat kid these days.”

The Parcheezies aren’t the only ones in America that have adjusted to the new economy. The Nielson Co., a data-tracking firm, has issued a report “identifying product categories whose sales are rising – and falling – at drug stores, supermarkets, and big-box outlets” The report revealed that “cocooners”, a term retail analysts use to describe consumers who nest to cut down on expenses, are cutting back on film/cameras (-31.5%), magazines (-17.1%), bottled water (-11%), and buckets/bins/bath items (-13%). Products that are rising are canned goods (+11.5%), veggies/dry grains (5.5%), wine/liquor (10.7%), and condoms (1.5%).

Fellow “cocooners” Abner and Mindy Greensteen have also reverted to staying at home, not using light bulbs, planting an organic garden, and debating the merits of parenthood. “We can’t bring another future despoiler into this world,” states Abner, a suspected one-time eco-terrorist, “and in our eco-therapy sessions, I’ve expressed my concerns over having a wasteful, gluttonous child.”

According to new research, nearly one-fifth of American 4-year-olds are obese, and children of color are at higher risk. Obese children are at risk for early onset of diabetes, fatty liver and musculoskeletal problems. Researchers calculated the body mass index from a sample of 8,550 Hispanic, black, white, Asian and Native American 4-year-olds. The children were born in 2001, and in 2005, their height and weight were measured — 18.4 percent of them were obese.

“It’s a very bad sign if we see obesity at a young age,” states Pediatrician Dr. Dave Meatwreath, “When we see children obese at age 4, we’re likely to see complications — high blood pressure, abnormal lipids — which can lead to heart disease and stroke, diabetes in children. The heavier you are as a child,” continues Meatwreath, “the likelier that extra weight will follow you through life. That’s why we see adolescents who need weight-loss surgery, because they have life-threatening complications from obesity.”

“You know how much the medical costs would be to take care of a fat kid for 18 years?” muses Adrian Parcheezie, “ I mean, losing weight is tough when you’re on a tight budget. We need to ride out this recession the best we can. Rubbers are key to making that happen. Cheap foods are packed with calories and low on nutrition. We still like our organic goods, wine, etc..” continues Adrian, “a fat kid would kill our bottom line.”

Apparently, with the sales of booze and condoms on the rise, there are many other Americans out there that are drinking and fornicating their depression-recession away, but are still fiscally aware of the repercussions of rotund off-spring.

Foiled Obama Assassination Uncovers Mystery of Bob Ross’ Death

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president. That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

“We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems.

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

Obama Urges Strong World Response to North Korea's Use of Tempur-Pedic Pillows.

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party. Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

Next Olympic Sport…Chess-Boxing?

"Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board." This is the slogan for the Berlin-based World Chess Boxing Organization. With official training clubs in Berlin, London and Sofia, Bulgaria; spokesman Andreas Dilschneider calls it “an intellectual fight club, and the biathlon of the 21st century."

The fastest sport on the rise (rivaling even the popular MMA), the WCBO has attracted the attention of ESPN coverage, and some of the fiercest boxers in the world, from legendary Lennox Lewis to newcomer Yuri Bagalov.

"If you don't know anything about chess-boxing it might seem a strange combination", says Dilschneider, "but if you think about it, in both sports there are many parallels." Just as you can be knocked out in boxing, "you can be in front in chess for 10 or 20 moves. You can build up a very strong position. You can be a very good player. But if for one moment you are not aware, and you make one bad move, the whole game is over."

In a chess-boxing exhibition, two fighters play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. The winner is determined by knockout, checkmate, or referee decision.

“Seems like logical path for me,” explains former Extreme Badminton Champion Yuri Bagalov, “I dominate Badminton. It become boring. I come to London to train at their club. I like idea of sitting down for whole rounds. I’m a little fat, yes? This sport is perfect for Yuri Bagalov!”

The chess-boxing combo traces its roots back to a 1992 comic book, titled “The Nikopol Trilogy”, in which the men of the future box on a chessboard floor.

“I don’t read comic books,” exclaims a visibly annoyed Bagalov, “maybe ask baby-man Sazhin.”

Bagalov is referring to the 2008 World Champion Chess-boxer, Russian math student Nikolaj Sazhin, Sazhin, 19, won the light heavyweight division after seizing his opponent's queen in the fifth round of chess.

"Bagalov is a fat blow-hard, and I will take his queen in two moves," Sazhin said, via a translator. "He cannot control his emotions. He is sloppy. You have to be totally cooled down in chess coming out of the boxing round. The adrenaline is the problem. "

Bagalov hopes to meet Sazhin in the ring in upcoming months. “I am ready,” states Bagalov, “I wait in London. I wait with my Natashas and Vodkas. He cannot dismiss Yuri Bagalov forever. When we meet, I will knock him out in first round, and when he is lying there, I will king his crown. That is correct, right? King his crown? In Russia, crown is circle like anus, you know? I will king it!”

Clinton to Mexico: “I’m still hung-over from my trip”

(MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

“I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh? You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S. The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The secretary of state's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar, “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried.” States Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip. Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

Twitter: Teaching Failures The Art of Failing

Klauss Gerhardt, the abstract artist and long-time failure, known simply as “Klauss,” loves when Twitter gets so bogged down with traffic that he can't post a message. It allows him the opportunity to, “see the beauty that is the fail whale.” Twitter's "fail whale," a giant whale being lifted out of an ocean by a small flock of tweeting birds, appears when the site is overrun, and is so popular it's on T-shirts and even tattoos. The icon -- which Twitter users call the "fail whale" because the creature appears only when the site has failed to load -- has gained a cult following as the social media site grows at breakneck pace.

Twitter, which lets users post 140-character micro-blogs, saw a 1,374 percent jump in unique visitors between February 2008 and February this year, up to 7 million from only 475,000, according to Nielsen NetView. With all of those new Twitterers, fail whale sightings and site crashes seem more frequent.

"I love that it is growing to the point that we will no longer be able to micro-blog,” explains Klauss, “we will only be able to sit, and watch this adorable whale; but also this thing that represents the Herculean tasks that we sometimes go about from day to day. I have the image tattooed on my hush-hush places, and, like Andy Warhol, I intend to re-interpret the image in all my future artistic endeavors.”

Klauss is not the only Twitterer to feel this way. Bill (mr_bill on Twitter), a 36-year-old San Franciscan, has organized parties in honor of the whale. The most recent, held in California in February, was attended by more than 300 people, including Yiying Lu, the artist in Australia who created the image. Bill, whose fail whale parties have featured an aquamarine martini in honor of the icon's color, said the whale's popularity comes from the idea that failures are worth celebrating and learning from.

"We're all trying to do a lot of things that seem pretty impossible," Bill said. "It's nice to identify something positive with those failures."

Paul Paulson, long time friend of Klauss, and serial failure, attempted a similar “fail whale” party on the East coast, but tragically it was a complete bust.

“OMG, I felt like Jimmy Fallon on his late show!!!, “explains Paulson, “awkward, anxious, unable to talk to anyone one-on-one.” It seems that the group updates that intended to crash the system were not working. “We were all doing the usual things,” reveals Paulson, “you know, trying to take that 'What are you doing?' question literally, and put very inane things in our updates every, like minute, but we just couldn’t get the glorious whale to show itself! I was tweeting friends that couldn't attend (manic, CP, CW, TW33), and was really trying to push my own boundaries with witty “speed” updates, because I’m in training for next years Shorty Awards (The year's best producers of short* content 140 characters or less, on Twitter). I couldn’t BELIEVE that I didn’t win anything this year, but the whale has taught me to keep at it.”

It seems that Twitter is adjusting to the new “fail whale” obsession. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone wrote in a statement to CNN, "We have made amazing progress from a technical perspective as far as accommodating this rapid growth goes and will continue to improve system and subsystem performance moving forward," So will Twitter’s advancements break up this new cult of complete failure junkies?

“Not at all,” opines Klauss, “We have failed. We must learn from failure. We must embrace our inner whale, and begin again.”

“Oh, we’ll see more and more of the “fail whale” in the future,” states Paulson, “ Celebrities are adding to the site's mainstream popularity, school’s in England are replacing studies about WWII and the Victorian Period with Twitter classes to expand communication! Imagine tweeting your teacher a 140-character book report on Moby Dick? I would love it!! People talk. That's what we do," continues Paul, "We're social creatures. We're kind of wired for this. We’ll overwhelm the system again. It’s only a matter of time before the “fail whale” will be a constant. If at first you don’t succeed…you know?"

The fail whale's account on Twitter has more than 2,265 followers. A Facebook group dedicated to the whale has more than 4,400 members. The whale has spawned art and merchandise, from coffee mugs to baby clothes.