New Swine Flu Symptoms Revealed: Beer Goggles and Walks of Shame

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”